Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!

We are just staying at home. Ryan is in bed already, Bob is playing a computer game, and I'm on the net and will attempt to write more of my novel. Nothing too exciting going on!

On the note of my novel--my best friend Julie came over last night and I showed her my novel. It was so awesome to talk to her about it. I bounced off ideas to her and we brainstormed. I was starting to feel a little down about the novel for a while. I have been reading this book about how to write a novel, and I realized I'm doing all the wrong things! LOL But with talking with Julie last night I felt more psyched up about it again!! And she gave me some great ideas! Thanks so much Jules!

I highly doubt I'll even make it to midnight tonight. I've got a sore throat and had little sleep last night, so I'm already tired and it's not even 9pm yet. oh well..it's just another day.

Happy New Year. May you find joy, happiness, and may all your wishes come true in 2006!

13 years ago...

Every New Years I get this way. I start thinking back to a time when I wish I had been smarter, more outgoing. Gone with my heart I guess.

13 years ago today is when I got together with M.E. and realized how much in love with him I was. He was only in town for a few days during the holiday break, so I knew I'd only see him a few times. It wasn't supposed to be like that...it wasn't supposed to be a romantic fling. When he called me up that day to let me know he was in town it was just 2 old friends who hadn't seen each other in years, getting together to chat. We went to the mall that night, mainly as just somewhere to go. We walked around holding hands, not really thinking anything of it...it seemed so natural to me. While there, he bought me a beautiful necklace. We walked around, chatted, had some fun. Then we left. On the bus ride home (neither of us had a car), I remember looking out the window and feeling all those emotions come over me. I realized at that exact moment I was still in love with him. Problem: he was only in town for a few days, and he had a girlfriend back home. I knew I shouldn't be feeling that way, so I tried to put it out of my mind. He knew me so well, he asked me what was up. I don't think I told him. At least, I don't remember telling him. I'm rather transparent though so I'm sure he knew. At any rate, we went back to my house (my parents house actually, since we were still in high school at the time) and we watched tv and talked for a while. When he left that night, I remember standing at the door, saying goodbye to him, and then him kissing me. It honestly was the single most romantic, wonderful, beautiful, best kiss I have ever experienced, even to this day. I was floating on air! I couldn't sleep that night I was so overjoyed!
The problem: it changed things for us. The next day we talked some more and held hands, etc. That next night we went to a movie. I suppose you can consider that our first and only real "date". It was sweet, and I even remember the movie we saw. Afterwards we went to a restaurant for some food, and when he went home he gave me another good night kiss. The next day (New Year's Eve) I had called him and since he couldn't come over and I couldn't go to his place (my parents were really strict about him..I don't think they liked him at all), we decided to meet at Little League Park for a while. I tell ya, I must have been desperate to see him because it was cold outside! And to stand outside for an hour and a half with him! Buurrr!! But it was so worth it. He had told me that he felt guilty for kissing me and said it was a mistake and it would never happen again. I agreed. It was just bad timing...a long distance relationship wouldn't work. Though we could never deny our feelings....it eventually came out. After all, we both had wanted this for over 3 years. It was pretty cold out, and he put his hands in my pockets to warm up my hands. He kept getting closer and closer to me until eventually, we were so close, we were almost touching. He leaned down and kissed me. We made out for quite some time. I must confess, if I hadn't been a virgin at the time, and we had someplace to go, I would have made love to him. My feelings were that strong at that time. But that didn't happen of course. After making out, we had to say goodbye. He was leaving to go back to Virginia the next day. It was so hard to leave, but we managed to say good bye and I left. I didn't look back. I wish I had. At the time I knew it would be too difficult to leave if I had looked back and saw him watching me; I probably wouldn't have left. But I wish now that I had.
I receieved a letter from him about 2 months later, saying that all is well with his girlfriend. He never told her about me, that he thinks of me often, but life goes on.

So every New Year's I think of him, I wonder what he's doing now, if he's married, has kids. Where he lives. Does he think of me during this time of year? Does he even remember me?

I highly doubt he will ever contact me. Last time we talked was not good. It was about a year later and it was when I was in my freshman year of college. He wanted to settle down with me and have a serious relationship, and it was at the time where I wanted to explore the possibilities. I didn't want to be tied down at that point. So I said no to a relationship, and the last time I saw him, I foolishly didn't treat him very nice. For that I will always regret. I think I was playing on the defensive because I didn't want those feelings to return. Though now I regret that and wish I could tell him so. Not that it matters much now, I'm married and have children. But it would be nice to know that he doesn't hate me.

Cheers, to you M.E. (from your Adnerb :) )

Alright, I'll tell you! My fantasy man is:

Ok, I'll tell you who my novel is about. Though I've changed the names so it's not really about him. It is but it isn't. LOL
I've had a huge infatuation/crush on him since I was 14. Though I don't think about him nearly as much, I still have an infatuation with him. My heart rate still increases when I see a pic of him, and just about melt.
His name you may recognize from my 100 things about me list. His name: Michael Lardie, formerly from Great White, now with Night Ranger.
Grant it, he's much older than me (almost 17 years, which isn't much now that I'm in my 30's!), but I've always found him extremely sexy for an older man. I think what appeals to me about him is not just his looks (the long blonde hair and the smile that makes me melt *sigh*), but his talents. He is the most talented man I know (so to speak, since I don't really "know" him). He plays piano, guitar, harmonica, percussion, etc, etc. There is a list of about 10 instraments he plays, plus vocals. He also produces, engineers, and writes music. Talk about being multi-talented! I think that's what makes him so sexy to me. He amazes me with all his talents and his accomplishments. What I wouldn't do to meet him someday! Someday, I really do hope to meet him.

I could go and and on about Michael and how much I like him! But I won't. I'll leave that for the novel! But here is a picture taken from his website, along with another photo I found on the net.

This is a pic of the whole band Great White. Michael Lardie is second from the right. (what a gorgeous pic!). BTW- just a sidenote...I also used to have a thing for Jack Russell, pictured at center of the band. He's the lead singer and he just has a voice that can bring you to your knees!



This is one of my favorite pics of Michael. Isn't he just so gorgeous?! I couldn't find a decent pic of his famous smile, but it's much better in person anyway.




Ok. So there it is. I have revealed who my fantasy man is. The one I dare to think about, the one that has inspired me to write a novel, the one who makes my heart flutter when I see his picture. Maybe someday.

Ryan after a bath

Ok...just a few more pics, I promise!! LOL I just had to share these because he's so darn cute! He got this robe from my mom. It came with slippers too but he doesn't like to wear those.

Christmas Day

Here are some pics from Christmas Day when we opened gifts from Santa.





This was my favorite gift this year...a Green Bay Packers sweatshirt from Ryan.



And of course, pics of playing with the toys!

Family Christmas

Thought I'd share some pics from Christmas. Here is our family: Bob, Ryan, and me. It was taken at my parents house just before we opened gifts.



Ryan's favorite gift this year was a Home Depot tool set. This was still Christmas Eve at my parents.

Novel

I've been working deligently on my novel! I am on page 6...which actually doesn't sound like all that much, but considering everything that's quite a lot for me! The hardest part was getting started. I hate trying to find a starting point and doing all the introductions. But I think it's coming along nicely. I'm still debating on putting it on a blog or not. I may even reveal who it's really about! LOL Maybe. But in the novel I changed the names to protect the innocent!

I'm really excited to be working on it. It's taking most of my free time!

After Christmas

I had a wonderful Christmas. Very busy, but wonderful all the same.

We did the usual on Christmas eve. After Ryan's nap we went to my parents house where we opened up gifts. It took us 3 1/2 hours this year! Every year my mom says she's cutting back on presents and every year there seems to be more than the previous year! Of course, Ryan was spoiled. He got so much stuff the poor thing doesn't know what to play with first! His favorite gifts include a Home Depot tool set he got from my brother, a remote control car he got from my other brother, and a slinkie that wasn't actually a Christmas gift he got from my brother.

After we opened gifts we went to my parents friend's house for their annual Christmas party. Lots of good food there! We didn't stay long though because it was way past Ryan's bedtime, and he was getting tired. Time to head home!

Christmas morning Ryan woke up and saw that Santa had came. We woke daddy up and then opened gifts from Santa and mommy and daddy. My favorite gift was a sweatshirt that Ryan gave me. It's a Green Bay Packers sweatshirt and it's nice and warm. Bob's favorite gift this year was a book I bought him. It's a book about cooking by Alton Brown (host of the show Good Eats on Food Network). It was a good Christmas this year. Even Cally got some nice things...her favorite being a toy mouse that she's been playing with since she got it!

Christmas afternoon we went back to my parents house for dinner. We had a nice rib roast. YUM! We also watched the Packers lose, but oh well...guess every Christmas can't be perfect!

It was a good year.

Merry Christmas!

Jesus Christ is born!! Let us take a moment today to reflect on the birth and life of our Savior Jesus, and what He has done for us.

Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Merry Christmas to all of my friends and family.

All right, all right!

Since I have gotten several requests (and a few fictional stories) for what actually happened at the Christmas party, I guess I'd be best off disclosing that info. LOL It really isn't that bad....your stories sound much worse! LOL

First off, we all ate and then we played a game. The game required us to write on a piece of paper 4 things that are noteworthy, 1 being true of what we really have done, and 3 made up things. Then Samira would read them in numbered order and we would have to guess which one is the real one for each person. It sounds complicated but really it wasn't. The hardest part was coming up with noteworthy things!! Mine were all rather boring since I don't have too many noteworthy things in my life....but I couldn't use getting married or having Ryan as my true noteworthy since everyone knows that! While we were playing this game a few people were looking at others papers and seeing what their answers are. Very funny!

After the game, we had an ornament exchange. It's a pretty fun way of doing it. We put all the wrapped ornaments on a table and everyone picks a number. We go according to numbers to pick a present. The first person gets an ornament, then the second person can either take the first ornament or take a wrapped one. It goes like that for everyone...until the last person that goes gets a choice of all the ornaments or the last wrapped one. It makes a night of fun and laughter! Anyway, the part I was referring to in the previous post.....as I had unwrapped my ornament and went back to the table, I put the wrapping paper on the table but didn't realize there was a lit candle there. I felt this wave of heat and realized the paper was on fire! Before anyone could do anything about it, the flame skyrocketed about 2 feet! It was quite frightening! We managed to put it out rather quickly before any damage occurred or anything. So now I'm famous for setting the church on fire! Keep in mind this was my ladies Bible study group. One lady said our Christmas parties are famous....this one we lied, cheated, set the church on fire, and ran naked after bears. (that's a long story I won't get into..someone's truth). It was amusing for a church Christmas party.

So that's what really happened. It was tons of fun and I'm famous at these parties. Last year at the same Christmas party was when my tire blew out. This year I set the church on fire. I tell ya, you can't take me anywhere!! LOL

I've been thinking....

an awful lot lately about my "fantasy Man". I shouldn't even be disclosing this! He just suddenly popped back into my mind recently. I hadn't thought of him since his birthday back in Sept. I call him my fantasy because that what it is. I would never in my life even meet this man, much less have any sort of relationship with him. I have had a crush/infatuation with this man for years...well, since I was 14. Though now that I'm married, have children, and have turned my life to God, I don't think about him much anymore. But once in a while he pops up in my mind. I have even started a novel years and years ago about this man and my "supposed" relationship with him. I dug it out yesterday and read it. I'm even thinking about picking it up again and writing some more. Maybe make another blog to write my novel in.
My problem though is I'm not sure I want to make it public. I love people reading my work, but because this deals directly with a real person (as opposed to fictional), I'm not sure I want people thinking I'm a deranged, crazy, obsessed fan making up stories about him! I'm not too sure I want him to come across it and think I'm totally nuts!! What if I have his personality all wrong in the novel and he would never say or act a certain way? I know I'm totally overanalzing it. Like this man would ever even come across my blog! That's actually pretty funny.
At any rate, it's been on my mind lately. I looked up his website (duh, why didn't I think of that before?) and saw some recent pics of him, and boy, I shouldn't have done that! I think I about had a coronary! Still as gorgeous as ever. Oh well. At least this has my mind of off ttc for the moment! ha ha

Maybe you'll see another blog from me soon. I need to think on it! But either way, I'm really considering getting back into my novel-writing again. I didn't realize how much I miss writing until I started this blog.

Bad dream?

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you woke up after a full night of sleep, but still feel tired and unrested? That's how I feel this morning...like I didn't get enough sleep, even though I did. I think it's because of a dream I had last night. I only remember bits and pieces of it, but I know it wasn't a very good dream. I remember feeling very upset in the dream.

I hate having bad dreams...they bother me the rest of the day and make me feel so uneasy. Hope to be rid of this feeling by this evening. Who knows, maybe tonight I can get back to the dream and turn it into a good one!

Christmas Party

I went to my Christmas party with my Bible study group last night. I have to say, it was the most fun I have had in a long time! I laughed so hard I was crying! It was great to get together with a bunch of women and just talk and laugh!
I almost didn't make it until halfway through. Bob ended up leaving work late, about 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave to get there! So in a bind, I asked my neighbor if she could watch Ryan for a half hour or so until Bob came home. Thankfully she was available. So I was able to drop Ryan off and I made it to the party on time!
I don't want to disclose what happened at the party that made is so funny, but let's just say I will be famous at the church from now on! LOL (in a good way). Anyway, we talked, ate, played a little game, had an ornament exchange, and sang Christmas hymns. It was loads of fun!

Verses of Hope

Here is a list of Bible verses that give me hope. These are some of my favorite Scripture. I read them when I am sad or anxious during this long ttc journey. I hope they can help someone else too. They are incredibly comforting....knowing that God is there. These are taken from the NIV version.

Psalm 23 "The Lord is my shephard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me. Your prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry."

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."

Psalm 56:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

John 16:20-22 "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Romans 5:3-4 "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope."

Philippins 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

James 4:2-3 "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Ryan with Santa!

We went to see Santa this weekend at the mall. I wasn't too sure if Ryan wanted to or not. Last year we didn't get a pic with Santa because Ryan was too scared..he freaked out just seeing him! This year he understands quite a bit more and wanted to see him. It was so cute...Ryan is such a talker. Normally you can't get him to be quiet for 2 seconds, but when he was sitting on Santa's lap he wouldn't say a word! I had to coax him to tell Santa what he wanted...cars and trucks! LOL It was adorable. Sorry the quality is low....I don't have a scanner so I had to take a picture of the picture!

Here is my little guy in a Christmas spirit!

To get myself out of this funk I'm in, I decided to post some pics of my "miracle" boy, as I'm calling him now. He truly is my pride and joy, and I am ever so lucky to have him!

Here he is while we were putting up the Christmas decorations. This wreath goes outside, but he decided to put it around himself first!



Every year I take a pic of Ryan in a Santa hat. Here is this years!

I didn't get my Christmas wish

No BFP for me this year...again. I remember last year on Christmas I cried because I expected to be pg by then, and I remember seeing on FF all the posts saying "I got my Christmas BFP!". I was so upset about it. Then I thought, there's no way I could go through a full year without a BFP...I know I'll have one by next Christmas. Well, here it is, 11 days away from Christmas and af is here. So much for my Christmas BFP. I'm getting so discouraged and frustrated with this whole process. Why does getting pg, something that's supposed to be so natural, so hard?! This was my 3rd cycle since the lap and HSG, and my second cycle on clomid. At least the clomid is working...my body seems to like it. But why can't I get a BFP already? What on earth is wrong with my body that it isn't doing what it should be doing?
I am starting month 21 now. Coming up on 2 yrs soon. Never thought in my wildest dreams I would be ttc for this long. I'm just so frustrated.

O Christmas Tree

Here is my Christmas tree. It's not a good picture because of the lighting in my house I can't get a good picture with the lights on the Christmas tree. We have to have a small tree because Cally will climb the bigger trees. She's already toppled this one over once! Good thing we only have one cat I guess!

Ryan, my cutie!

I have a cute story about Ryan. Bob has been working long hours this week and hasn't spent much time with either me or Ryan. Ryan has been missing his daddy. So when Ryan woke up this morning, Bob was awake too and asked me to bring Ryan into bed with us for some family cuddling time. So Bob and Ryan and cuddled together and I'm way on the other side of the bed. I figured I'd let Bob have some time with Ryan so I was going to leave. I said "I guess I'm not part of the family so I'm going to leave." Ryan sat straight up, took my hand, and looked my in the eyes with his cute little puppy dog eyes and said "Yes you're part of the family! Don't leave mommy!" It was just too cute for words! Needless to say I stayed! He sure knows how to pull the cute factor and tug at my heart strings!!

One of those days

Ever have one of those days where you'd rather just stay in bed, or wish you could hide with the covers over your head? That's the kind of day I'm having. Just an icky day. Nothing horrible or bad has happened; I'm just tired and irritable today, which of course, is making me feel depressed. Because I'm 3 days away from when af is due, and irritability is a symptom of af for me. A clear indication I'm not pg. I don't even need to test (though I probably will anyway because I'm a glutton for punishment) since I just "know" I'm not. Though I guess I can't always rely on my instincts, since I just "knew" I was pg last month even though I wasn't. *sigh* I hate ttc sometimes. It's so darn frustrating and irritating, and time consuming, and I really wish I could do the one thing that women were meant to do. Sometimes I feel like my body is failing me....it can't seem to get pg on it's own, and apparently, even with the help of clomid.

I'm just in a "pity me" mood today! I need some chocolate and some sleep!

Christmas banquet

I went to Immunuel Baptist's Women's Christmas Banquet last night. It was the most amazing experience!! I left feeling completely in awe and so much in love with Christ!

It started off with dinner and desserts. I sat at a table with my dear friend Lisa (the one that battled breast cancer this year) and her mother, sister, and cousins. We started with desserts (since our table was one of the last ones to get food, we got to pick desserts first!). YUM! There were so many good desserts: mini cream puffs, mini euclairs, tons of different types of cookies, mini cheesecakes, pette fours, etc. So good! Then for dinner we had salad, dinner rolls, 5 different types of pastas, 3 different types of sauces, chicken, and shrimp. It was so good! I actually ate everything on my plate, plus desserts!!

After the meal, they had a fashion show, put on by clothes from Dress Barn and modeled by our own ladies from IBC. It was such a hoot to see some of our ladies modeling like professionals! And the handbags worn by all the models were made by our own Samira! Very nice handywork!

After the fashion show the Christian music group Myrrh preformed. They were absolutely beautiful, incredible, awe-inspiring, and inspirational! I absolutely loved their testimony..which actually gave me chills! Praise the Lord for what He has done in their lives! I was just completely in awe hearing Heather sing so beautifully, hearing that just 5 years ago the doctors didn't believe she would ever talk again much less sing! She reminds me a lot of a mix of Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. And Bill is just amazing on the violin. I have never seen playing like that before! My favorite song I think is All is Well, an incredible song sung with the Wheaton College Gospel Choir as back up. Very inspirational. I had to purchase a CD since I loved it so much!

I came home and couldn't stop talking about the evening! It was so much fun, and it really renewed my faith in Jesus! God is so good!! Praise Christ, for He is our Savior! Oh how much I love Him!

You should check out the music of Myrrh, or at least their testimony! I garentee it will give you chills!

The Christmas Story: What Christmas is really about

Luke 1:26-38

In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin's name was Mary. The angel went to her and said "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." Mary was greatly toubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end." "How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?" The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.


Praise to our Savior!

Odds and ends

I O'd a few days ago and am now almost half way done with the 2ww! I have my progesterone test tomorrow and get the results next week Monday. It will be a long week!

I have been so so cold! It is freezing here in the cheese state! I hate winter! I'm already looking forward to Spring when it gets warmer again. It's way too cold for me. Ryan wanted to play outside yesterday in the newly freshly fallen 7 inches that we got. I was out there with him for 10 minutes freezing my tooshie off until I finally said I'm going in! Then I couldn't warm up all day!! I should have asked for an electric mattress pad or electric blanket for Christmas. Too late now since my mom is already done shopping.

Speaking of Christmas shopping...I'm close to half done. I'm getting there!

I will post a pic of my Christmas tree as soon as I get the pic off the camera!

OPK!

I got a +OPK yesterday!! woo hoo!! I'm so excited about it! Bob laughs at me and says he doesn't understand how someone can get so excited over a urine test! I'm just happy that I'm Oing at a decent day!! I'm on CD 16 and should be Oing today! Come on BFP! Now I just need to continue to convince Bob to BD and we should be home free!
I called my OB and she set up a blood test for me for next week. I need to get my progesterone taken again next week. If I O today I will be 6 DPO when I do the test...it technically should be 7 DPO, but she said they want to do it 7 days after the first +OPK. I just hope the clomid is working just as good this cycle....I haven't felt really bad O pains like last month. Making me wonder if it's working in there. I sure hope so! I won't get the results of the test until Dec 12. Feels like forever from now.

Finally finished it!!

I finally finished my 100 Things About Me list!! It's actually 103 things about me!!! Check it out!!

Time for the holidays

Thanksgiving went very well this year! Usually someone's upset at someone else or there's arguing or complaining. But this year everyone got along well and we even played cards afterwards! The food of course was good...though I forgot to bring the pasta salad. Oh well. We managed!

I did not go shopping this year the day after. I take that back..I did go...but just for an hour and it was in the afternoon so I avoided all the craziness!

We put up our tree on Friday! I put up all our Christmas decorations...so it looks all Christmasy now! I love Christmas!

Thanksgiving

Since it is almost Thanksgiving, I feel it is appropriate to share what I am thankful for.

I'm thankful for:

First and foremost for Jesus saving me!
for my wonderful husband that loves me unconditionally
for my beautiful son and his gorgeous, heart-melting smile
for my house..not the best but so much better than what it could be!
for my health
for my cat and fish
for my family...though they are having some difficult times right now, I'm thankful we are all together and will celebrate Thanksgiving together
for the opportunity to ttc
for clomid working in my system...for the opportunity I have to take it!
for my church and church leaders..such a strong, caring Christian family we have at IBC
for living in USA
for enough money to live on
for Bob having a good and secure job
for Ryan being such a wonderful little boy...strongwilled but willing to listen and learn!
for all the things I have
for my parents still in good health
for my friendships I have formed in the last year
for God's forgiveness, even when I continue to sin
for living and breathing with the intent on glorifying God!

Oh Lord, thank you so much for all these things and others I have not mentioned. I don't deserve all the goodness you have given to me! I praise you Lord, and thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Not much to say....

I'm still working on my 100 things about me list. I'm up to #65. I haven't had time recently to sit down and write it...been working on Christmas cards and other various projects.

I'm halfway through my clomid treatment for this cycle. Things are going great...with the exception of an occassional hot flash, haven't had any s/e to speak of! Come on clomid...do your stuff!

Looking forward to Thanksgiving...it should be a great year. Ryan's all excited about eating turkey!

updating

As you can see, I've made some changes to my blog. I've added blinkies (my favorites as of right now) and have added some links. I will be making changes here and there to spice is up a little!

I'm also continuing to work on my 100 Things about me list. I'm up to #60 so far! It's been fun trying to come up with stuff!!

Also a quick update on my cycle. My OB told me she will keep me on 50mg of clomid this cycle and will do another progesterone test at 7 DPO. She said she expects me to be pg in the next several months!! I have more confidence now that my OB is hopeful with my progress!! Come on BFP!

Picture of my Cally cat!

Here is a picture of my first baby, my kitty! Well, she's not really a kitty anymore...she's almost 6 yrs old now. I call her my first baby because we got her before Ryan was born, as a 1st anniversary present to each other. We adopted her from the Wisconsin Humane Society. She's my callybaby!

100 Things About Me

I am working on a list of 100 Things About Me (thanks Cindy for the idea!), and am up to #23 so far!! It might take me a while to get up to 100, but it's fun working on it! Can't wait to share it when I'm done!

Holy progesterone batboy!

I FINALLY have my test results back. I had to call the nurse today. It's been over a week since I had the test done.
Anyway, when I asked her for the results, she looked them up and actually asked me if I took a pg test. When I said I actually got af yesterday, she was shocked! She asked me how my flow is. I told her it's a normal flow and I'm sure I'm not pg. She then said, well, you DEFINITELY O'd and clomid is working well for me! When I asked her what the numbers were, she told me.

CD 22, 6 DPO progesterone: 136!!!!!

Considering they are looking for anything that's 15 or over!!!! woo hoo!! My progesterone is actually the number you would normally see in pregnancy!!! I'm totally floored by this!!

At any rate, I will most likely be on 50mg clomid this cycle, since that apparently is working well!! My dr wasn't in, but she will consult my dr and get back to me by Friday. If I don't hear anything by Friday late morning, I'll just go ahead and order my refill, since I start it on Sat again.

I'm just shocked by number! I was hoping for at least a 15, but couldn't believe it's that high!!! woo hoo! Come on BFP!!

I was wrong :(

I was totally wrong. It must have been the s/e of clomid I was feeling. A few other women have told me that clomid can make you feel symptoms of pregnancy...but I was so sure I was pregnant. NOPE. Af showed this morning, which I expected the last 2 days because of temp decreases and spotting. I was upset at first, but I'm ok now. I'm happy that clomid actually did it's job for me! I had a 12 day LP, which is the longest I've had, and no spotting until 11 DPO...which is almost a miracle for me! Now I just need that BFP! I'm also excited to be doing another round of clomid!

I still don't have the results of my progesterone test...so I don't know if I will be on 50mg or 100mg next cycle. So I will wait a day or two to call in my prescription. But if I don't hear from my dr today I will call tomorrow.

On to round #2 of clomid!

I finally did it!!

My presentation that is!!

I had my meeting last night (and yes, it actually was last night). I came in carrying all my stuff (in the pouring rain mind you...it always seems to be raining when I need to do my presentation) and I asked if I would be doing my presentation. She said yes, I will make sure we stop at 8:30 to get you in. It went well! I'm so happy I did it! I hadn't even practiced it, so I was going off a whim. But it went well....people asked questions and I apologized for going over the time limit, but no one seemed to care..they were all excited to hear about my presentation. The coordinator asked me also to write an article for the newsletter about TTC after I had talked about my battle with ttc and my passion for teaching others about charting and my message board.
It was hard to talk and I had to stop often since I am battling a cold and nearly lost my voice yesterday. My voice is rather raspy and it's hard for me to talk loudly. But I did well! So happy I have it over with now!!

Waiting...and waiting....

I know I'm pregnant....I just know I am. I just need a pregnancy test to tell me I am!! LOL I know my body so well that I know it feels different. I'm having tons of symptoms.....frequent urination, increased hunger at times, fatigue, constipation, sensitive nipples, watery CM, moodiness, emotional, and cramping off and on. Also no spotting....I normally start spotting around 8 DPO...here I am at 10 DPO and no sign of spotting. My temps are incredibly high and stable now.
I know my body...I know I'm pg!! I just need a darn HPT to confirm it!!!! LOL Darn things. I wish there was a test we can take right after BD that says yes or no the egg was fertilized...so we don't have to go through the agony of waiting.

Af technically isn't even due until Tuesday. But I've been having these symptoms since 6 DPO...when my temp dipped. I tested on Friday but was BFN. I think there just wasn't enough hcg in my system yet. I think I will be brave and try testing again tomorrow. I'm still remaining hopeful.

Please pray that this is it. I hope I'm not making up these symptoms or making my mind think I have these symptoms because I want it so badly. I need to keep busy until tomorrow. I hate waiting!! This 2ww is worse than any other I've ever had!!

no results

I called yesterday for my progesterone test results. The nurse I talked to told me they won't have them back until Monday or Tuesday!! I didn't realize it takes almost a week for them to check one little thing in my blood! Aug. So now more waiting.

Hope to get them back soon....hopefully before af shows again!!

an oopsie!

Ok...so I was a complete moron!! I actually thought my presentation was yesterday. I had been telling people and pysching myself up for this since last week. Guess what....it wasn't!!!! And it was MY fault!!
I missed dinner with my family last night (dinners with family are important to me), made Bob come home early from work yesterday so I could go to the meeting. I drag all my stuff to the car, drive 15 minutes to get there, take all my stuff out of the car and into the place. Go up to the room...it's dark and locked. No one there. Ok. I'm thinking I must be early. I go back down to the lobby and sit there and wait for 5 minutes, getting upset. Did they cancel the meeting and not call me? What the heck is going on? I wait 5 more minutes, looking at some papers on a desk. I look at the date. I drop my mouth.......I just realized that the meeting wasn't that night......it was NEXT week!!! AUGGGGG!!! So now I feel incredibly stupid and embarrassed (there were a few people in the lobby probably wondering what I was doing sitting there by myself with a bunch of stuff I can barely carry). I drag all my stuff back to the car, get in, drive the 15 minutes back home, crying the whole way. Get home, Bob looks at me funny wondering why I'm home. He's just about to put Ryan to bed. I tell Bob the story and he bursts out in hysterical laughter, upsetting me even more. Now I'm just inferiated!

I really can't believe I mixed up the weeks. I don't think I'm meant to do this presentation. I'm about ready to just give it up!

I think the clomid has really messed up my emotions. I don't normally get that upset over something like this. Normally I would have said, yeah, that was stupid, and moved on. Or I would have told Bob "I was just really early (by a week!)." But not last night...I was literally so upset I was bawling so hard in the car I could barely drive. That is not like me at all. Even this morning I started crying when Ryan started singing "Go Diego Go" with the tv. What is wrong with me???

So that is a "oops that was stupid" moment from me. I feel better about it now...I can laugh about it now. But man was I upset last night!

my thoughts this morning

Well, tonight I have another go at my presentation. Yep, the one I was supposed to give 2 weeks ago and was called off due to a special guest speaker. So I'm doing it tonight, supposedly anyway. I haven't even looked at any of my info since I brought it home that night! I have no preperation for this thing now! I guess I'll wing it. It's just talking about me anyway...so I guess no prep needs to be done. I have all the pictures on the boards and everything I want to bring, just not sure what I'm going to say!

I plan on doing some updates to the blog too. I want to spruce it up a bit....I just haven't had the time to do it yet. I still need to figure out how to do some things! I can be rather computer illiterate at times.

I've been thinking about Christmas. Hard to believe the holidays aren't too far off. I love Christmas...it's my favorite holiday. I can't wait to start decorating the house for Christmas..put the tree up and all! I need to start my Christmas shopping soon too! What to get a 3 yr old??

Candy

After taking Ryan trick or treating last weekend, I figured we'd have some candy leftover and I'd just have a few pieces. Nope...that's not the way it works apparently! Ryan got a whole load of candy....and since he can't have anything with peanuts or peanut butter in it, I separated what he can and cannot have. Adding to that the extra candy we had leftover from giving it out, we have a whole plastic bag full of candy!!! All I can say is wow. I've been eating this stuff like a pig all week!!! I'm starting to feel rather guilty...I'm probably going to gain 10 pounds by the time this candy is gone. But I can't resist chocolate!! oh well....guess I'll enjoy it anyway while it lasts!! *chump chump* mmmmm good snickers!

I O'd!

Sorry I haven't written in a few days...every time I try to sit down and write something I get interrupted!!

I finally O'd!! I was so excited that I O'd early too!! So now I'm in the dreaded 2ww. I have noticed quite a difference in my cycle since being on clomid. My O date was earlier, my temps are higher, and I have watery cm today! Too early to tell anything though....need to wait it out I guess. Wish me luck!!

Darn OPKs!!

One thing I hate about ttc...those darn OPKs!! Why can't they just make OPKs that are easy to read? One line your not Oing, two lines you are Oing. None of this if one line is darker that means you are Oing but if the other line is darker a bird on the other side of the world just ate a donut! huh? exactly!!! Darn OPKs!!
I took one yesterday (of course because I have to satisfy my urge to POAS since CD 12!), and the test line was barely there. Definite neg. Today I take the test at the same time as always, and I can barely tell if it's neg or not! The test line is real dark...but not quite as dark as the control line. So is it neg or pos? Of course I record it as neg because while looking at it for 10 minutes straight, holding it up to the light, and scrutinizing it at every angle, it doesn't make it any less pos. Now the real question...what do I do with this info? Should I take another test at 6pm to make sure I don't miss the surge? Or should I just record it as neg, act like it's neg, and take another one tomorrow? I normally would do that, but because Bob's libido is so darn low most of the time....I don't want to BD unless absolutely necessary. (sounds bad I know, but he doesn't like to BD more than once every few days). But I don't want to miss out on our chance of getting pg this cycle either...since we are paying out of pocket for the clomid. *sigh* Those darn OPKs!!!

a "get to know you" email

I don't normally do these, but thought it would be fun to post here.


1. What time is it? 2:13pm
2. What's your full name? Brenda Jean
3. What are you most afraid of ? not being able to get pg.
4. What is the most recent movie that you seen in a theatre? Nothing, I haven't been to a movie theater in at least 5 yrs!
5. Place of birth? Milwaukee, WI
6. Favourite food? pizza
7. What's your natural hair colour? Medium brown
8. Ever been to Alaska? No
9. Ever been toilet papering ? no
10. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes
11. Been in a car accident? yes
12. Croutons or bacon bits? croutons
13. Favourite day of the week? Sunday
14. Favourite Restaurant ? Famous Dave's
15. Favourite Flower? lilacs
16. Favourite sport to watch? Football (go Packers!)
17. Favourite Drink? root beer
18. Favourite ice cream? turtle (favorite brand is Kopp's)
19. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney
20. Favourite fast food restaurant? Burger King
21. What color is your bedroom carpet? Blue
22. How many times you failed your driver's test? 1
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? fertility friend
24. What do you do most often when you are bored? watch tv
25. Bedtime? 10pm
29. Favourite TV shows? One Life to Live, Another World, Law and Order CI, Grey's Anatomy
31. Ford or Chevy? Don't care.
32. What are you listening to right now? Ryan talking about his sippy cup.
33. What are your favourite colours? Blue
34. How many tattoos do you have? none
35. How many pets do you have? 1 cat named Cally
36. Which came first the chicken or the egg? the egg. The egg was around long before chickens were....dinosaurs laid eggs.
37. What would you like to accomplish before you die? To have many children, and to love and serve the Lord to His pleasing.

A poem

This is a poem I wrote when I was in college.

Laughter

Known only to those
whose heart smiles,
the hand of the soul
reaching to grab moments
beautiful to God.

It's the wish
in a child's eye,
hidden by tears of apprehension.
When they dry,
only silence can disturb it.
It's the dance of a comet,
leaving a trail of smiles,
softening even the hardest of faces.

It's the only medicine
we take for granted.

Presentation and other things....

It has been a crazy week and I haven't had much of an opportunity to post anything.

My presentation went....well, it didn't! I was a little peeved actually because I got there, lugging my 2 huge poster boards full of pics plus a large bag of stuff as "show and tells" (in which the handles on the bag broke), in the rain no less! The lady asked me what all that stuff was for and then she realized oh yeah, your presentation! She said we had a special guest speaker that night and wouldn't have time for the presentation, would it be ok if I did it at the next meeting? aug. A phone call letting me know ahead of time would have been appreciated. But oh well....life goes on. So now I have more time to rethink, prepare, and get nervous again. At least it gives me more time to go through some old stuff I've been meaning to go through for ages now.

I took my last clomid pill last night and all is good! Not bad..only had some very slight hot flashes (if you can call it that...it was just enough to make me kick off a blanket). Today I'm having some slight cramping on my left side...hoping that's the follicles growing! I'm hoping I O from my left side this month, since that is my "good" side!

I talked to my childhood best friend yesterday. I was reading some old letters she had written to me way back in Jr. High. Made me think about her so I gave her a call. I haven't talked to her in about 6 months. She seems to be doing well...busy as always...working 2 jobs with combined hours of about 60-70 hours! She works way too much! But she enjoys it, so I guess I can't complain. It would be nice to see her one of these days....hopefully soon.

Speaking of looking at old letters...I have a huge container in the basement storage of old letters from my high school and college days. So I started rummaging through them. Oh boy does it take me back. I'm reading some of these and wondering what were we thinking? It was good to read...taking me back to those days.
I sure do wish though that I had been better about keeping in touch. There are so many letters I received during my first year in college (when I went away to school) from my friends back home, and I don't think I talk to any of them anymore. It's so sad. I wish I had kept in touch. Now I would feel almost silly or desperate if I went and tried to find them. There was a few in particular I'm wondering what on Earth made me not stay in touch with? Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone off to school and stayed home with my friends? I know I changed a lot during college years. But I try not to think of things that way....since I will never know. Plus, if I hadn't gone off to college, I'm not too sure I would be married to Bob, and I certainly wouldn't have met my current best friend, since we met my sophomore year in college.

At any rate, this is where things are right now. I'm too involved in reminincing about old times. Time to start obsessing about ttc again! LOL I guess it's one or the other! ha ha

Presentation

Tonight is my "all about me" presentation. Wish me luck on this!! I'm getting nervous about it...standing in front of everyone talking about myself for a half hour! But I think I have everything worked out that I want to talk about so all is good, I hope!

I will write about how it went tomorrow!

On another note: I am half done with my clomid pills this month! So far no s/e (or very little) so I'm pretty excited about that! I can't wait to see what it does for me!

Brenda...the author?

The day my presentation is due is coming up faster!! I'm really starting to get nervous about all this. I'm still rummaging through pictures and papers and such, trying to find things about my life that are interesting.
I did find many notebooks and papers and such full of poems, stories, ideas, and chapters of a few novels that I had been working on. I literally have a huge tote full of notebooks! I'm wondering why I ever stopped writing? I used to want to be an author when I was younger. I even majored in Creative Writing my freshmen year of college. Then I changed my major to English Lit....a little more vague so I supposedly could do more with it. Little good that did me! ha! At any rate, writing has always been my true passion. But for many years I stopped writing. I had writers block or just lost the passion to do it. Now I'm really thinking of getting back into it. I have so many ideas, so many unfinished stories, so many things to tell. One of these nights instead of turning on the tv I should sit down and write. I sometimes wish I hadn't changed my major. I sometimes wish I hadn't listened to my family that told me I wouldn't make it as a writer, that I wouldn't make any money and wouldn't get a job, and couldn't make a living at it. I felt so inferior, that I wasn't good enough, that I dropped out of school for a semester and changed my major completely. That's when I pretty much stopped writing too (except for papers for school). I wish now I hadn't listened to them, that I had gone on to prove them wrong, that I could make it as a writer. I even applied to the Children's Writing Institute (I think that's the name) and was accepted for their 18 month course. By the end of the course I'd have a completed manuscript ready to submit to a magazine or publishing company. But I could never afford the tuition. Maybe I should start a new blog for my writings..my stories I want to complete.

I've also been thinking about the soap opera my childhood best friend and I made up. I've been thinking about revisiting that again too. Ages ago we made up a soap opera....I still have tons of stuff from that. Still know all the characters....I won't go into detail at the moment, but that's been on my mind lately too. I think I will go through that stuff and see what I can dig up. Have I ever mentioned I wanted to be a soap opera writer? LOL Back then I would have been good at it! Now I'm not so sure....most of today's soap operas are not exactly very "Christian". I think writing for one would compromise my faith. Maybe I could start the first Christian soap opera?

Maybe I will be an author when I grow up.

New cycle begins

Well, af has shown her face this morning! I'm disappointed, yet happy! Never thought I'd say that about my good ole aunt! Of course I'm always disappointed when she shoes up at my doorstep, with her suitcase and says she plans on staying for 5 days...and depending on her mood it may be a pleasant stay, or she may make my life horrible for those 5 days! So far she seems to be in a good mood, so let's keep her that way!
I really believed I was pg this past cycle. I had tons of symptoms that were very different for me, that I normally don't get any other cycle. I felt it in my heart that I was pg. I think I had what's called a chemical pregnancy....but alass...I did not test (since I'm stubborn and really hate seeing BFNs) so I won't know for sure, but I know my body so well that I'm positive it was a chemical.
Now I have something to look forward to! I will be starting my first round of 50mg of clomid on Sat! I went and got my prescription filled today. Now all I have to do is wait! I'm excited to be trying something new this cycle, and with any hope it will be the thing I needed to get that BFP!

Pure Joy

Today I'm feeling much better than yesterday. Spending time with God though always does that for me. The songs we sang at service today were all about the joy of God. Do I have joy in my heart? Do I know the pure joy of God? Answer: sometimes. Sadly I don't always, but then no one does since we are all sinners. I know certainly the last several months I have been working on that..learning to see all of God's goodness through everything, including my trials in ttc. Sometimes though life gets in the way! Today I was reminded to continue to do that...to continue to remember God's joy and love, and that He ultimately is in control. So if I'm pg, great! If I'm not, that's ok too. He is in control and in His timing, I will see the plan He has for me.
There was a song we sang today that really made me think:

Trading my sorrows
Trading my shame
Laying them down
for the joy of the Lord.

Trading my trials
Trading my pain
Laying them down
for the joy of the Lord.

How awesome is that?!

I'm definitely going to keep that in mind in the next few days to keep my mind off of whether I'm pg or not. What does it matter when you know the pure joy of the Lord? I love Sundays!

Fish

Anyone ever notice how expensive having 6 tiny little fish is? How can such a small pet cost so much? We just recently (I say recently when I actually mean last week) got Ryan some fish for his birthday. The tank and just about everything needed for the start up came from my brother as a birthday present for Ryan. We just needed to ge the fish. So we decide on 6 fish, a pair of 3 different types. That itself was $20! Then we had to get a filter sponge for the filter...that also was $20! Now we think we are set. We've been feeding and watching, and amazingly no fish have died yet! But today we notice the water is getting cloudy. So off to the store again to find out what we can do. We pick up a chemical that is supposed to help...$5. Not bad this time. But if that doesn't work it maybe our filter...possible $40 for a new filter! Are these tiny little fish really worth it? We could get a new cat for that price!!
However, seeing the look on Ryan's face when he feeds the fish, watches them swim, or talks about them, I'd have to say it's worth it.

What if?

I'm freaking out today! I know I shouldn't be...and I've even prayed about it this morning, but I'm really freaking out! I've gotten better about stressing out during the 2ww, especially since I've only been having 10 day lp's. But today I just "feel" it. Something is different. Or maybe I just want something to feel different, therefore I think it is. I keep running to the bathroom to check for spotting. My temp is up today which is unusual....I'm having some symptoms though they could just all be in my head. aug. I promised myself I wouldn't do this to myself again. I think I'm honestly afraid to NOT be pg...what if I'm not, what if I can never get pg again, what if I'm having all these symptoms for nothing. But I'm also afraid TO be pg...what if I actually am pg...what if I have another m/c, or something else happens? I know I shouldn't be thinking what if's.....and if I didn't have some symptoms plus my temp up, I wouldn't. But this is the closest I've come in quiet a long time to a possiblity of getting that BFP. I have prayed for a calm heart, and normally it works, but today I'm just too strung out I guess. I'm trying to keep my mind off of it...and I really don't want to get disapointed about this. If I'm not pg, so what? I get clomid next month right? We just keep trying...keep trucking along. So quite honestly what am I so worried about? My symptoms most likely aren't real anyway. I had spotting yesterday...well, I have spotting just about every month at 8 DPO. I had frequent urination..well, that could be from nerves. I have cramping...I get cramping every month. Even my temp today isn't much different...I have previous months where my temp was up at 9DPO. So realistically this month isn't any different than any other month. I need to hold on to that so I don't freak out too much and then get disappointed when af comes in a few days. Yes, I'm crazy! :)

More about me

Last night I decided to go through some old (I mean old) pictures to prepare for this presentation I have coming up. Talk about walking down amnesia lane! First off.. most of these pictures were from my high school days....and wow....talk about the hair!! I still can't believe I was seen walking outside the house with my hair that high and that much haispray! If a flame got anywhere near my hair it would have gone up like Michael Jackson! too frightening to say the least! Anyway, as I was looking back at these pictures, it just reminds me of all the fun times I had back in high school. It was, for the most part, fun and exciting. However, it's not really high school I care to talk about (at least not right now). I had so many pictures of my best friend at the time. The two of us hanging out at my house or hers, the two of us on a trip to Chicago with her family, the two of us having a great time on various New Year's Eves, and the list goes on. We were so close back then. Now, not so close. We still talk once in a while, we are still friends, but nothing like it was back then. We are in different seasons in our lives right now. She is single, living with her boyfriend, working 2 jobs, enjoying a busy, spontaneous lifestyle of going out on vacations frequently and movies and such. I'm in the married and motherhood season. I am now a Christian, married, have a child (with hopefully more to come), no longer spontaneous, no longer having the money to go anywhere! Our lives are just so different now that I think it's hard for one to relate to the other. I still love her, don't get me wrong. And there are times I really miss our traditional New Year's parties, or our long talks on the beach, or our crazy giggle fests! Maybe someday we will rekindle that deep rooted friendship.
Not sure though how many of those high school pics I will use for my presentation though...those were some nasty hair days!

Jealousy

So I finally did my Bible study for the week.....it's due tomorrow! This week's lesson is about jealousy. Oh boy do I need a lesson on that! Not that I'm overly jealous mind you....in fact, I've gotten better the last several months. Every time I used to hear about a pg woman or hear anything about pregnancy...I would get so upset and jealous, thinking it's not fair..it should be me, I deserve it too! But the last several months I've been learning to lean more on God in this aspect. I've pretty much let my jealousy go, for the most part. Of course, we are only human, so sometimes some slip out a bit, but mostly I'm rather happy for them; because I know that in God's time I will also have a pregnancy announcement and talk about my pg.

This lesson had me thinking back to last year. It was just a few months after I had my m/c and was desperately trying again. My good friend (whom I saw several times a week) announced to me that she was pg. They were sort of trying, but nothing too serious. I was just devastated. I was so completely jealous I was seeing green!! I thought, "how could you get pg while I sit here and suffer after a m/c? Can't you tell I'm suffering? You already have 2 kids!" Boy was I horrible! She actually told me I had to get over myself because she's happy about her pg and will not disguise it in front of me. Of course, later on she apologized for saying those things, but I look back on it now and I think I should have apologized to her too, for being so jealous. I had no reason to be. If she was such a good friend as I thought her to be, I needn't be jealous of her. After all, as the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but just imagine what their water bill is! I suppose you need to be careful of who and what you are jealous of....like the phrase be careful what you wish for. After all, not only does she have 3 children, but she is also fighting breast cancer. Is her side really the better side now? Thank the Lord Jesus that she is fighting a good battle and winning, but all I'm going through is nothing compared to her.

It was a good read and good lesson for me this week. Definitely something to work on.

All about me

When I was at my MOPS meeting Monday night, the ladies there came up with a great idea! Since we are a small group, they thought it would be great to "spotlight" a mom at each meeting. We could sign up and the day we sign up for we'd give a presentation of "who we are". I was so impressed with the mom's presentation that started it off, that I thought sure, I can do this! Before I knew what I was doing, I signed up for the next meeting. What was I thinking? Apparently I wasn't. How do I put my entire life's experiences into a half hour presentation?? I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I need to figure out who I am. So exactly who am I? Well, I'm a child of God, a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a support system, a kisser of boo-boos, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Maybe start with that?? What pictures do I want to show? What experiences shaped who I am today? Boy...this is tough. I only have a week and a half left to do this. Next time I should think before I sign up for anything!! So for the next week and a half I'll be writing about "who I am". I need to think some more about this!!!

CLOMID!!

I can barely contain myself this afternoon!!! My OB has prescribed clomid for me next cycle!!! I'm just so thrilled...I haven't been this excited since...well, since I can remember! (clomid is a fertility drug). My appt went very well. She discussed everything she found during the lap and HSG...even showing me pictures. Grant it, I like knowing my body, but the picture thing was a little more intimate than I cared to know! At any rate, all looks good. She can't say for sure whether my right tube is blocked or not. She said the dye didn't spill out and it could be either because of a blockage or a spasm. All I can do is hope for the best right? I asked if I could take clomid now to treat my LPD that I have. And sure enough, she writes out a prescription for 50mg clomid for next cycle, along with a blood draw on CD 21. Then she said if the clomid doesn't work by the 4th month, we can do clomid and progesterone together!!! Have I mentioned how much I love my OB!! I could have hugged her on the way out, but I refrained....didn't want her to think I was some weirdo and then taken back the prescription!!

So now I'm just waiting for af to show...which should be next week sometime, provided I'm not pg...which I don't believe I am anyway. On to a new phase in my ttc journey!

first time here!

Ok...this is my first time ever writing in a blog. Grant it, I'm not totally computer illiterate...I've been learning a great deal over the last several years, but I've spent the last half hour trying to figure out how to edit, delete, add, etc!! I'm still not quite sure how to add links yet. I guess I'll get there eventually!

I'm debating on getting Ryan up shortly from his nap. From the sounds I am hearing in his bedroom (knocking on the wall and talking) he hasn't fallen asleep. Normally I'd leave him in his bedroom for a while until he eventually fell asleep or time was up, which ever came first. But I need to leave today at 1:30pm to go to my OB appt (yay!) and don't want to wake him up from sleep. He is the hardest individual person to wake up! Then he'll be crabby all afternoon. I guess I'll finish this up and see if he's asleep or not!

Speaking of the OB appt...I'm so excited about it! I had a lap and HSG done a month ago to find out what's going on with this whole ttc thing. Today I finally get to see my OB to find out exactly what she found and where to go from here. I feel like I've been waiting forever for this day to get here...and it's only been 4 weeks!

Well, now that I started my first post, I will get ready to leave. Hopefully Ryan won't be too crabby this evening!

100 Things About Me

100 Things About Me

1) I have 2 older brothers that are fraternal twins. They are 11 years older than me and I always felt like an only child since they are so much older than me.
2) I was in gymnastics when I was younger and wanted to be an Olympic champion. When I was in 7th grade I had to quit because I was too old to be a champion (I wasn’t at that level yet) and it cost too much to continue.
3) I loved horses when I was little- had tons of horse figurines- even wanted to own a ranch someday. Now I’m not too keen on them. Don’t know why either.
4) I had my first boyfriend at age 17 (senior in high school) and he was 15. (We’ll call him MC). After 1 month of dating I was head over heels in love- until after the second month he broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. (good thing I had morals!).
5) I have a thing for my best friend’s boyfriends. In high school my best friend at the time had a boyfriend I ended up liking. (We’ll call him ME). We never dated or saw each other while they were together (I’m not that kind of girl), but did have a fling (sort of…didn’t sleep with him either) just 2 weeks after MC and I broke up.
6) I do consider ME to be my 1st love.
7) I also consider ME to be the one that got away.
8) Relating to #5- a year later my other best friend had a boyfriend I was also interested in but never acted upon. They broke up and a month later I started dating him. I ended up marrying him!!
9) I have been to Disney World 3 times in my life- the latest was my honeymoon in 1999.
10) I have only gotten drunk twice in my life- both times were not very fun.
11) I have a BA in English Literature from Cardinal Stritch University in Milwaukee, WI. I still have yet to use my degree!
12) I spent my freshman year of college at Lakeland College in Sheboygan WI. I had a great time and learned independence. I don’t remember the classes at all!
13) I was so homesick I dropped out at the beginning of my 2nd year at Lakeland.
14) I only took 1 semester off, then started at Cardinal Stritch University.
15) I have 2 books full of poems I have written, mainly in high school and college.
16) I have several novels started but never finished any of them.
17) The best year of my life was my senior year in high school.
18) I grew up Catholic and always knew and believed in God, but didn’t become Christian until after I had a miscarriage last year.
19) I passed my drivers license test on the 2nd try. The first try the instructor told me I was too cautious.
20) I had severe post partum depression after Ryan was born. I was on Prozac for a year. I still feel guilty for not being there for Ryan the first few months of his life.
21) I’ve always been interested in Mozart’s music and life. I love the movie Amadeus and would love to go to Salzburg and Vienna to see where he lived and the museums of his work.
22) I am not interested in politics or news at all.
23) I’m addicted to soap operas. At one time I used to watch Another World, One Life to Live, All My Children, Days of our Lives, and As the World Turns. Now I just watch Another World and One Life to Live.
24) I tried out for cheerleading in high school but didn’t make it. I was a cheerleader though at both colleges I went to. Go figure.
25) I have never been out of the country.
26) I lived in Wisconsin for most of my life, with a year and a half in Omaha, Nebraska from 2000-2002.
27) I am a Green Bay Packers fan, even when they lose! I think Brett Favre is the best thing to happen to the team and hope he never retires!
28) A friend of mine and I made up a soap opera when we were in Middle School and High school. We named it Dynasty II, and it lasted about 3 yrs.
29) The characters we made up for this soap are so much a part of me and so important to me that I felt the way they did; when I heard a certain song on the radio I would cry or be angry or think of a certain character. It was like family to me.
30) The songs Beautiful in My Eyes by Joshua Kadison and Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle always make me cry.
31) I wanted a big wedding with lots of people, a big white dress and all the trimmings. After it was all done I wished I had eloped! (Though I’m very happy I did have my big wedding!)
32) I have never smoked, done drugs, or skipped school.
33) I hated cats for most of my life, until I got married. We got a cat for our 1st anniversary and I have loved cats ever since! I love them more than dogs now.
34) I hated computers many years ago- when I was in high school and college. I never saw a need for them except to type out papers. Now here I am 10 yrs later, checking my email several times a day, a Community Leader and Moderator at a message board, I have a blog, and you can’t tear me away from the computer!
35) I have weird phobias- I am afraid of things floating in water. I refuse to take a bath for fear of dirt or hair in the water, and almost gag when I do dishes.
36) I am afraid of deep water- I cannot swim and refuse to learn. I refuse to go in water that’s deeper than 3 feet.
37) My first real job I had was at a local store the summer before my senior year in college. My mom made me get it. I worked there for 3 weeks before I had a breakdown and quit on the spot.
38) Most of my jobs I’ve had dealt with accounting and money; yet my degree is in English Lit.
39) I started going to school for Accounting, but I got pregnant the first month of my first semester, so I quit school after completing the first semester.
40) I can’t stand music boxes. I love to look at them, but can’t stand listening to them. They make me cringe and cry when I hear them and I have to leave the room.
41) I have the same reaction to baby toys that play lullabies. I had a very difficult time when Ryan was a baby since he would fall asleep to a lullaby toy.
42) My favorite book in the Bible is John. My favorite verse from John is 16:33; “In this world you will have trouble; But take heart! I have overcome the world!”
43) I’m thankful that I had a miscarriage in Feb. 2004. It was the single most horrible experience I’ve ever had, but I’m so thankful to have gone through it because that one experience brought me to Jesus.
44) When Ryan was 9 weeks old, he had a hernia with a distended bowel and had to be flown via medic helicopter (Flight for Life) to Children’s Hospital in Milwaukee. I am scared of heights and flying, but I braved it so I could be with him. It was also the turning point in my recovery from ppd.
45) My favorite job was working at a bank in Omaha called Pinnacle Bank. By the time I left that job I was doing the work of a Head Teller without the recognition or pay.
46) I never did read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. I tried many times but can’t seem to get past page 50. Too boring for me!
47) My favorite movie is Back to the Future. I have the whole movie memorized.
48) I’ve always been very good at remembering numbers and dates, but always hated math and history.
49) My best subject in school was English; my worst subject was Social Studies/History.
50) I collect My Little Ponies- I have at least 30 of them- mainly from when I was a child. I try to get them now but don’t have the money for them at this point.
51) I didn’t have a Ken doll so I used one of the barbies I had and cut off her hair, dressed her in a jogging suit, and used her as a boy. I named him Jim. (Do you think I’m weird yet?)
52) I took 3 yrs of Spanish (2 in high school and 1 full year in college) but can only remember a handful of words now.
53) I’m really interested in learning sign language- I have taught Ryan about 30 signs.
54) I tend not to be motivated at all unless I have a goal or deadline. I like to do things (like write) but it won’t get done unless someone gives me a deadline to do it in.
55) The hardest professor I had in college was also my favorite.(at Cardinal Stritch). I learned more from her than anyone else. She was tough because she made me read the books and gave study questions, and on exams or papers I would have to “prove” what I said- back it up with quotes from the text.
56) My last semester in college (at Cardinal Stritch) was the worst semester I ever had. The President of the college had decided to fire half of the English department (my dept.) my last semester. So instead of looking forward to graduating, I was protesting on behalf of my professors. They all ended up being let go, but not without a good battle!
57) I’m very close to my parents. I call my mom almost everyday.
58) I have a huge phobia of thunderstorms, especially at night. I always have to check to make sure it’s not a severe storm, and if it is I am glued to the weather channel to make sure I am informed on when I would need to take shelter!
59) I’m a closet teenie bopper drama fan! I like teen shows like Degrassi- which happens to be my favorite. My best friend and I have Degrassi nights almost every week.
60) My kitchen is done in a strawberry theme.
61) I had a fantasy when I was younger to be a famous singer, even though I can’t carry a tune to save my life! I wanted to be the world’s youngest singer to win a major award.
62) Since I was 14, I’ve had a major crush/infatuation with Michael Lardie from the rock group Great White. I’ve had fantasies and dreams of us dating, getting married, etc. To this day I still really like him.
63) To go along with #62, one of my dreams has always been to meet Great White. Mainly Jack Russell and Michael Lardie. Still haven’t done that.
64) I’d much rather be hot than cold. If I’m cold at night I can’t fall asleep.
65) Christmas is my favorite holiday. I go all out for Christmas with decorations, presents, and I even start my Christmas cards in early Nov.!
66) My favorite family tradition on Christmas is opening presents and anticipating who gets the joke gift that year! We have a joke gift that goes around my family every year, and it’s a great surprise and fun to see who gets it! It’s just a potato peeler, but it sure gets a lot of laughs!
67) I didn’t know anything about football until I started cheering for it at Lakeland. Even then I just clapped when the others did without knowing what was going on. I had no idea what a 1st and 10 was! Now I love football and watch it almost every Sunday.
68) I got pg pretty easily with Ryan- only 6 months of trying. This time around is much more difficult- 20 months and still counting and on clomid.
69) After I finally do have a baby, I will be using the FAM method to avoid or achieve pregnancy. (Fertility Awareness Method). This is a natural method using charting temperatures and cervical mucus to detect fertility.
70) My favorite book is Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.
71) I’m a pack rat. I never throw anything away. I keep everything from pictures, cards, and letters. It drives Bob crazy!
72) I love to make lists of things- list of 100 Things about me, list for the grocery store, list of things I need to do, things I would like to do, etc.
73) I used to dye my hair. I started it just after high school, dyed my hair blonde. I stayed that way for quite a few years. Then in 2001 I decided to try red. It was awful! It started as a very bright red, then changed to a purple, then finally faded to a lighter shade of red. I let it grow out and haven’t dyed my hair since! I’m thinking of going blonde again someday though.
74) New Year’s has always been a special night for me. My high school best friend and I used to spend New Year’s together. She would have a party every year and then I would spend the night after everyone left. We had a blast. That ended though when I went away to college.
75) I was at my heaviest weight in high school (outside of pregnancy). When I went to college I dropped 5 pounds, and have been the same weight since. I only gained weight when I was pregnant, in which I gained 27 pounds, but lost it all by the time Ryan was 6 months old.
76) Most of my closest friends I have met online- and I’ve never even met them!
77) My username for everything online is pookeybear2823, or just pookeybear. I got it from Bob. His nickname/pet name for me has always been pookeybear. I thought it was cute and it stuck.
78) I’m the only one that has EVER given Ryan a bath. It was part of my recovery when I had ppd. Bob encouraged me to bathe Ryan as something that would just be him and me. It helped me a great deal, and to this day I’m so proud to say I’m the only one that gives him a bath.
79) I have worn glasses since 3rd grade, and have been wearing contacts since 8th grade. Without my glasses or contacts I’m legally blind.
80) I’m very petite- only measuring at 4’ 11” and 94 pounds.
81) I’m not a morning person. I am almost always crabby in the mornings and don’t usually “wake” up or cheer up until a few hours later.
82) I’m not much of a jewelry person. The only ring I wear is my wedding ring. I have my ears pierced twice but only wear earrings twice a year. I rarely wear a necklace, and never a bracelet.
83) I have a tendency of losing my purse. I only bring a purse out with me if I don’t have pockets, otherwise I just carry a wallet. I always leave my purse behind somewhere.
84) I’m completely addicted to simplymom.com. It’s my home away from home, and I love the ladies I have met there! (If you are TTC you should check us out!!)
85) I love to shop Black Friday (Day after Thanksgiving), though I have avoided it the last several years. I don’t like to go alone and the deals haven’t been that good. I did go this past year in the afternoon for a few things.
86) I tend to be rather anal- I like things in a certain order or things done a certain way. If something is out of place it bugs me and I have to put it back the way it should be.
87) My favorite restaurants are Famous Dave’s Barbeque and Outback Steakhouse.
88) I am very pro-life.
89) Bob (my husband) is the ONE and ONLY man I have ever slept with. I’m very proud of the fact that I have only been with one man.
90) I hate coffee. I don’t mind the smell if it’s the flavored type, but I can’t stand any type of coffee, not even cappuccino or latte, or even coffee flavored ice cream.
91) I love to dance. I used to go to dance clubs when I was in college. Unfortunately Bob hates dancing, so I rarely ever dance anymore.
92) When I was little I would dress up in a leotard and skirt and make up routines to popular songs.
93) I love hot showers! So hot that my skin turns red!
94) I can’t stand taking a shower with anyone else. I tried it once…never again! My shower time is ME time!
95) I will NEVER wear anything orange. I don’t like the color orange at all.
96) I tend to get nosebleeds in the winter when it’s dry out, or when I get sick.
97) When Bob and I first got married I was sick all the time. I was in the doctor’s office several times a month for something or other. Bob used to tell me he wanted to trade me in for a newer model!
98) I secretly like to watch Ryan’s tv shows. (I really like Higglytown Heroes and Little Einstein’s).
99) I don’t like clowns. I’m not afraid of them…I just don’t like them.
100) When I was pregnant with Ryan I craved strawberries. I ate a pound of strawberries a day for 3-4 months. Good thing they were in season!
101) I drive a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutless Cierra. Not my favorite, but it still works!
102) I’ve only had 3 actual boyfriends before I got married, and each of those relationships only lasted 2 months.
103) My favorite car used to be a Dodge Neon or a Volkswagen Jetta. Now my
favorite car is a Honda Odyssey.