13 years ago...

Every New Years I get this way. I start thinking back to a time when I wish I had been smarter, more outgoing. Gone with my heart I guess.

13 years ago today is when I got together with M.E. and realized how much in love with him I was. He was only in town for a few days during the holiday break, so I knew I'd only see him a few times. It wasn't supposed to be like that...it wasn't supposed to be a romantic fling. When he called me up that day to let me know he was in town it was just 2 old friends who hadn't seen each other in years, getting together to chat. We went to the mall that night, mainly as just somewhere to go. We walked around holding hands, not really thinking anything of it...it seemed so natural to me. While there, he bought me a beautiful necklace. We walked around, chatted, had some fun. Then we left. On the bus ride home (neither of us had a car), I remember looking out the window and feeling all those emotions come over me. I realized at that exact moment I was still in love with him. Problem: he was only in town for a few days, and he had a girlfriend back home. I knew I shouldn't be feeling that way, so I tried to put it out of my mind. He knew me so well, he asked me what was up. I don't think I told him. At least, I don't remember telling him. I'm rather transparent though so I'm sure he knew. At any rate, we went back to my house (my parents house actually, since we were still in high school at the time) and we watched tv and talked for a while. When he left that night, I remember standing at the door, saying goodbye to him, and then him kissing me. It honestly was the single most romantic, wonderful, beautiful, best kiss I have ever experienced, even to this day. I was floating on air! I couldn't sleep that night I was so overjoyed!
The problem: it changed things for us. The next day we talked some more and held hands, etc. That next night we went to a movie. I suppose you can consider that our first and only real "date". It was sweet, and I even remember the movie we saw. Afterwards we went to a restaurant for some food, and when he went home he gave me another good night kiss. The next day (New Year's Eve) I had called him and since he couldn't come over and I couldn't go to his place (my parents were really strict about him..I don't think they liked him at all), we decided to meet at Little League Park for a while. I tell ya, I must have been desperate to see him because it was cold outside! And to stand outside for an hour and a half with him! Buurrr!! But it was so worth it. He had told me that he felt guilty for kissing me and said it was a mistake and it would never happen again. I agreed. It was just bad timing...a long distance relationship wouldn't work. Though we could never deny our feelings....it eventually came out. After all, we both had wanted this for over 3 years. It was pretty cold out, and he put his hands in my pockets to warm up my hands. He kept getting closer and closer to me until eventually, we were so close, we were almost touching. He leaned down and kissed me. We made out for quite some time. I must confess, if I hadn't been a virgin at the time, and we had someplace to go, I would have made love to him. My feelings were that strong at that time. But that didn't happen of course. After making out, we had to say goodbye. He was leaving to go back to Virginia the next day. It was so hard to leave, but we managed to say good bye and I left. I didn't look back. I wish I had. At the time I knew it would be too difficult to leave if I had looked back and saw him watching me; I probably wouldn't have left. But I wish now that I had.
I receieved a letter from him about 2 months later, saying that all is well with his girlfriend. He never told her about me, that he thinks of me often, but life goes on.

So every New Year's I think of him, I wonder what he's doing now, if he's married, has kids. Where he lives. Does he think of me during this time of year? Does he even remember me?

I highly doubt he will ever contact me. Last time we talked was not good. It was about a year later and it was when I was in my freshman year of college. He wanted to settle down with me and have a serious relationship, and it was at the time where I wanted to explore the possibilities. I didn't want to be tied down at that point. So I said no to a relationship, and the last time I saw him, I foolishly didn't treat him very nice. For that I will always regret. I think I was playing on the defensive because I didn't want those feelings to return. Though now I regret that and wish I could tell him so. Not that it matters much now, I'm married and have children. But it would be nice to know that he doesn't hate me.

Cheers, to you M.E. (from your Adnerb :) )