This is it

I'm afraid to say that if I'm not pg this month, that it will be the end for us. I won't stop ttc...I don't think I could ever do that. I have been at this for almost 2 yrs, it's in my nature I think now. When you want something so bad, there is just no way you can really give up. So we won't be preventing, but if it didn't happen this month I have decided to discontinue the medications.

It was a very difficult decision for me to make. I really don't want to give up the medications, since my body is taking to clomid very well. I really feel that it would only be a matter of months on clomid and progesterone before it happens. Unfortunately though, it's the finances that are taking the brunt of this. Bob and I talked about it last night, and it was actually my decision to stop. We just don't have the funds to continue. We are so far behind as is....barely have money for groceries this week. So I guess it's time to stop for a while. Maybe in a few months or so when we can get back on our feet and get back into better financial ground, we might be able to go back on clomid again. But for now, I have a son and a husband that needs my attention, love, and money!

Another reason for stopping is my marriage. After this past ovulation time, when we had a huge argument and he said some very hurtful things to me, I realized that for the sake of our marriage and relationship, we need to cut back on ttc. He is feeling the pressure and stress and frustration, and I'm getting obsessed and upset that he's not cooperating. I think it's time to take a step back and see if things will happen naturally, like they are supposed to. I'm learning that I'm not in control of this, as much as I want to be. If God wants me to be pg, if it's in His plan, then no matter what I do or don't do, it will happen. Or the opposite...If it's not in His plan for me to have another baby, then no matter what I do, it won't happen. I need to trust that God has my best interests, and that it's all for the Greater Good. He loves me, and I need to love Him by trusting in Him.

So hard to do. I'm working on that...it's a struggle everyday...especially when you "think" you know what is best for you.

I still have a week yet before I know if this month is a bust or not. But in all honesty, I'm pretty much acting like it is a bust. 22 months of getting your hopes up is just way too long. I'm exhausted, I'm upset, I'm frustrated.

I'm saddened at the thought that this is the end of medical treatment, but I know it's for the best right now.